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AS YOU’VE PROBABLY HEARD from various news outlets and nerds across the Internet, J. J. Abrams will be directing the first of a whole slew of new Star Wars movies. The move was a surprise to everyone except those who thought Abrams’ Star Trek was a better Star Wars film than all three of the prequels put together.

One major plus going for it: It had none of this.

Yes, Star Trek shared so many similarities with Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope that it wouldn’t surprise us one bit if this was the main reason Abrams was chosen to direct Star Wars VII. Does this mean we should expect Star Trek Into Darkness to be as awesome as The Empire Strikes Back? It’s tough to say since Abrams already used that whole ice planet thing in the previous movie.

Oh, don’t look so surprised.

Fortunately, there’s plenty of other Empire hallmarks that Abrams could and probably already borrowed  for Star Trek Into Darkness. Among them…

5. The film is already a whole lot darker

Pretty much everyone saw this coming, and not just because of J. J. Abrams’ overuse of lens flare in Star Trek.

However, it probably surprised some people that the next Star Trek would be so dark that Abrams flat out titled it Into Darkness. That is… unless you consider how The Empire Strikes Back was a pretty straightforward title. Ditto for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, which came out two years after Empire more or less rewrote the book on how sequels are made.

Rule #1: More acting lessons!

In short, Abrams didn’t have a choice: This film had to be really, really dark because it’s the only way the audience will be interested enough to stick around for another sequel.

Unless, of course, Uhura spends the first half-hour of Star Trek 3 in this.

4. Home will not be safe

This one should not be too surprising based on what we’ve already seen in the trailers. Hell, in some cases, the writing is on the wall.

Translation: “Earth gets fucked.”

So, Earth takes one for the team in Star Trek into Darkness. What does this have to do with Empire? Quite a lot, actually. For starters, Luke Skywalker could not have been any more out of his element than when he was on Hoth. The dude grew up on a desert. So, how does he fare against an ice planet? In short, not well.

Pwn3d.

Also, since the Rebels are forced to flee Echo Base after it is epically smashed by AT-ATs, our heroes didn’t really have any safe spots where they could relax and catch their breath. Be it a swamp, an asteroid, or a floating casino, danger was lurking around every corner. And why? Because it makes for good storytelling. It keeps our heroes on the run in unfriendly territory with danger lurking around every corner, be it in a swamp, an asteroid field, or onboard a floating casino.

In short, Earth is fucked. As are our heroes.

RT if you can totally picture Spock saying “approximately 3720 to 1” in this scene.

3. A persuasive villain steals the show

We knew this was happening the moment they cast Sherlock as… whoever he’s supposed to be in this movie.

However, the truth is Star Trek Into Darkness required a charismatic villain because Eric Bana’s Nero was about as one-dimensional as villains get in science-fiction. If they tried the same things twice, it would have been a major strike against the sequel. Don’t believe us? Imagine how The Empire Strikes Back would have fared if Vader spent the entire movie standing behind some bad guy in a uniform.

The Empire strikes back… while Vader watches.

Star Trek Into Darkness has shown us every sign of following the same path. As such, the big question is not “if” but how Benedict Cumberbatch will own every inch of this movie…

Especially while wearing a rain poncho.

So, who is he playing? What is his secret? How interesting of you to ask…

2. There will be a major twist

J. J. Abrams is too big a Star Wars nerd to pass this up. There will be a major twist in Star Trek Into Darkness. There has to be.

“I am your father.”

So, how will it happen? What will the big twist be? We imagine a quick trip to Google will provide you with whatever spoilers you’re looking for. That is, unless Star Trek Into Darkness is plagued with the same predicament that forced Han Solo to get frozen in carbonite. Specifically…

A gambling debt?

1. Nobody knows what to expect from the sequel

Han Solo’s carbonite vacation may be one of the most iconic moments in motion picture history, but the truth is the main reason he was put on ice was because nobody knew if Harrison Ford would be sticking around for Return of the Jedi. As a result, not only could The Empire Strikes Back have become a completely different movie retroactively—say, though Han dying in hibernation in Jedi—but this may explain the rather odd choice of costume Lando wore at the end of Empire.

What if he’s not really wearing Han’s clothes, but clothes Han found on the Falcon after he won it from Lando???

As such, if J. J. Abrams ends Star Trek Into Darkness with a cliffhanger, odds are he will not be the person to iron out the details in Star Trek 3. Abrams is not expected to direct the next Star Trek, which could completely transform Star Trek Into Darkness in retrospect. Don’t believe us? Imagine how different X-Men: The Last Stand would have been if Bryan Singer did not quit to direct Superman Returns. Or how much more satisfying the ending of Aliens would be if we didn’t know how many survivors were going to die in the first few minutes of Alien 3. Or how disappointing the Joker’s last words to Batman are in The Dark Knight due to Heath Ledger’s death demolishing whatever Christopher Nolan originally had in store for the character.

Or how much better the world would be if this movie never existed.

In short, no matter how good Star Trek Into Darkness turns out to be, all we need is someone to reveal in Star Trek 3 that Spock and Uhura are siblings for us to never look at the first two films the same again.

Hey, it has happened.

 

Follow Jacopo della Quercia on Twitter!

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DEEP INSIDE OF EVERY ONE OF US lies a savage, drooling beast, with a wicked disposition and cocaine jitters, ultimately on a seek-and-destroy thrill mission to pounce, hump and devour every gruesome opportunity that presents itself with legs wide open.

This fearsome ghoul in which we speak is the societal equivalent of a deranged animal; a sex crazed war dog with seven flaming erections, a foul case of whiskey breath and the devilish capacity to force innocent men with highly distinguished moral fiber into some of the most unspeakable, sexually depraved acts ever committed by the sub-human race.

You should be warned that it is summertime that awakens this fiendish monstrosity and all of its rotten intentions. This because that filthy bastard and its throbbing red rocket have been confined to celibate dormancy all winter long, impatiently waiting to catch the first pussy-steaming whiff of mating season in hopes of gnawing on the backs of anything with a wet spot and very little will to fight back.

It is for this very reason that regardless of how disgusted you are destined to become with your actions, you are doomed to engage in some morally incomprehensible sexual practices over the summer. You simply will not be able to help yourself; you are teetering on a loathsome genetic defect, just like the rest of us, being led on a pornographic hunting expedition by a ghastly deity that permits no standards. In other words, you’re only human and you’re bound to do some fucked up shit.

So, through some painful research, a little personal reflection and a nasty case of the jungle clap, we have compiled a list of the most sexually depraved acts that have the most likelihood of being committed this summer by you twisted imbeciles. And while a few of these may seem a bit far-fetched to those men who subscribe to life through the eyes of the missionary position, rest assured the moment will come when you too will join the ranks of the sleazy bastard.

1. Cougar Antics and the Sugar Momma Sweet Tooth: Losing Your Ass Virginity to a Dildo

Many of you will be carted off to your graves without ever once experiencing anal penetration deeper than the slip of your finger through cheap toilet paper or a slightly over-zealous prostate exam. However, the chances of a man losing his ass virginity are greatly increased once he succumbs to the sadistic temptations of a summer fling with a woman twice his age.

The reality is, every straight man on the face of the planet has an insatiable desire to hook up with at least one sugar momma in his lifetime as a means for fulfilling that teenage fantasy of having an exuberant amount of wild-eyed cougar sex while getting the rent paid by someone other than his own mother.

The downside to these boner aspirations is that most women who possess the social attributes of the proverbial sugar momma have traveled a long, dark road full of loveless marriage, sexual frustration and abuse. Ultimately, these life events have shifted and transformed these Stepford Wives into sex-starved banshees who want nothing more than to perform mad science sex rituals with strapping, young lads in hopes of finally obtaining the orgasm they’ve been trying to achieve for decades.

And while the thought of pounding it out on the regular with an experienced cougar, blessed with a voracious appetite for getting her who-ha greased may sound quite appealing, you had better believe she has intentions of doing a little greasing of her own. That’s because a sugar momma expects a certain level of submissiveness in exchange for financing a man’s lazy existence, and some of the more aggressive of the breed will even attempt to do a little colon bowling by sneaking a seven-inch jelly dong in to the mix.

Now, you can say that you’re not the type of guy that will tolerate a woman bouncing a rubber dildo around in your sphincter all you want. The fact is, you have a sugar momma sweet tooth and not only are you likely to endure this level of sexual depravity, you will probably grin and bare it more than once. Yet, chances are you will never utter a word of this madness to any of your friends and each time you find yourself immersed in a group antic dote about the perils of prison sex, you may laugh — but you always get a slight stomach-ache.

2. Prosthetic Lust and the One Night Love Affair: Sloppy Sex with a Beer-Bellied Mutant

You wish we meant this kind of mutant.

In the despicable clutches of enough hard liquor and desperation, every man with at least a four-inch pecker comes disgustingly equipped with enough shit lust to channel the loathsome sexual depravity of a rabid centaur. And with a full-blown junkie diet of cheap booze, spoiled meat and blood curdling orgasms, this ornery, sweaty beast will suck on and ravage the darkest sewers of the small town American tavern in order to satisfy his most basic urges — even if that means gutter-humping a beer-bellied mutant.

Now, some of you may scoff at the idea that inside you lives a sinister creature waiting for those supposed standards of yours to drop the leashes long enough for it to tattoo its cloven hooves on the scoliosis-infected backs of barstool gargoyles, cigar smoking midgets and double amputees that reek of cigarettes and muscle cream. But make no mistake about it, at some point this summer, you will find yourself in a position where the only available sexual prospect at last call is the lady sitting at the bar with a bulging beer gut, stained false teeth or a Goodwill wig.

However, even though you may be drunk enough to convince this foul breathed mongrel to take you back to her cave, you will likely find it extremely difficult to look passed her god given indiscretions in order to get to first base. Yet, after sucking down several shots of the Wild Irish Rose she had been saving for a special occasion while listening to her ramble on about her freakishly bizarre collection of antique sewing thimbles, you will have somehow found a way to summon enough daredevil guts to venture into this wicked suicide mission.

It’s in the bedroom where this rotten conquest will shift from an onset of horny desperation to life altering sexual depravity. Because no matter how much you lobby for the lights to be shut off, the wildebeest in the room will be afraid of the dark. And while you sit idle as your stomach churns at the displeasing flavors of baby powder, Oil of Olay and Marlboros lingering in the back of your throat from being tonsil lashed by her tar-drenched, forked tongue, she will light just enough candles around the room to ensure you catch a blinding glimpse of her mutated, naked body.

Yet as long as you are able to hold back the vomit after she half embarrassingly admits to being on her period, you will be able to move passed the lump dangling in the back of your throat to squeamishly remove her tampon and embark on one of the most sadistic journeys of your entire life.

If you’re lucky, the whole disgusting affair will begin and end with a super sloppy blowjob that will simply leave your boner smelling like cheap whiskey and denture cream, but don’t hold your breath. On second thought, you had better hold your breath — this trip is bound to move from the depraved to the disgusting without much warning.

Again, while you may think you are not capable of such sexual depravity, you just might find the summer holds a wealth of sickening surprises.

3. Budget Hump and the Bare Boner Circus: Unprotected Sex With an Illegal Prostitute

Alas, the summer of the sleazy bastard would not be complete without throwing away all of those years spent at Catholic school on a perverse drug-fueled romp in a cut-rate motel with an illegal prostitute.

That’s right – nothing rings in the sweltering heat of the summer months quite like blowing a wad of hard-earned cash on a pitbull-faced hooker who isn’t quite caught up on all of her shots. The thing is, not every would be John with a deviant thirst for a no holds bared sexual encounter has enough financial security or stable line of credit to afford the disease free amenities of Nevada’s legal brothels. Of course, this is when that deviant, horny bastard will go out and scour the planet for a lethal dose of budget, no latex sex – hence, pure, unadulterated depravity is born.

That’s because these days the common street-walking hooker is more interested in cocaine currencies than those printed by the Federal Reserve. Not only that, but when the battle of the red light bitch district ensues, the budget hooker will indiscriminately suck and fuck more than her fair share of diseased degenerates along the city’s back alleyways for random hits of crack and the occasional ten spot. Incidentally, these types of gutter-sex tactics do not have the reputation for producing the most sanitary hooker-holes on the retail sex market, and should probably be avoided at all cost.

Be that as it may, we have reason to believe that some of you nipple-biting sex fiends out there will take it upon themselves this summer to make a cameo performance in the bare boner sex circus with a unlicensed orifice of the illegal sex trade – shame on you.

Whatever level of sexual depravity you choose to get into this summer; remember this, just because sex makes us a little sick sometimes doesn’t mean that it’s all bad. After all, regardless if you are bumping uglies with a girl that looks like Raquel Pomplun or a 4-foot 5-inch midget with a colostomy bag, it’s all still just random acts of love — and how can that be all bad?

So, go ahead and set up an appointment with a qualified therapist, be sure to stock up on barf bags and most importantly, prepare to have one hell of a summer – because the truth is, you sleazy bastards deserve it!

Follow Mike Adams on Twitter @adamssoup

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Headshots: Learning How to Love on Ladies

 

 

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