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LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.” This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in who gets around.
MELISSA SAYSHeya Joffrey, If you had to pick a fave, would Chicago be your girl? Your one and only? Your one true love? If she’s like number three or four out of four, and the lady you like mostest is the Brooklyn girl, or the Canuck, then you’re def in a pickle. Because what I think you’re worried about is that Chicago will cramp your pimpin’ love machine style. And if that lifestyle is what you’re after, there’s only one way to go. Break up with Chicago girl and get to know a lady who’s cool with being part of a bigger love fambly. Since love for you comes so easy and all. Man, you must be tres sexy. Because love — real, flowers and cuddling and shit love — don’t come so handy to most. Please write back and tell me your tricks. Meantime, happy heave-ho-ing. Hugs! MIKE SAYSDear Joffrey, Back in March, we had a similar question from Matt H. in LA who had fathered two children with two different women on opposing coasts. My advice to Matt was to be bold and tell both women. We never heard back from Matt, and can only assume he’s either happy or dead. What intriguing about your “sitch” is that somehow you’ve found four women who don’t seem to mind your travel schedule or part-time lovin’. Congrats. And you’ve found a cool gig in a city we dig, so congrats again. My suggestion. Well, if it (probably) worked for Matt it could (perhaps) work for you. Be honest with these ladies. Suggest a mormon/commune/poly-type set up in a nice loft in Chicago. Odds suggest at least two of these ladies will be into it. Don’t underestimate these women, Joffrey. I think they’re progressive attitudes may lead to a liftetime of bliss. Or a Lifetime movie of the week: Double Polygamy in Chi-town! Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away.
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REMEMBER THE TIME we used to connect our giant computers to the telephone and dial up some Internet just to get connected only to be disconnected minutes later when your mom picked up the phone? It’s amazing that we even sat through those five, sometimes even ten, long, insufferable minutes to get online but back in those days, we had patience because we had no other choice. Now, with high speed Internet, sometimes for free if your neighbor doesn’t know how to put his WIFI on lockdown, patience is in short order. Studies show that if a video doesn’t start up within 15 seconds, we go clicking on to the next thing. So it comes as no surprise that movies condensed in 60 seconds would appeal to us instant-gratificationites. Because who needs to waste time with with ‘plot development’ and knowing the characters? Just tell us the story so we can go look at more cat memes and porn already. Jeesh. Ain’t nobody got time for that. BACK TO THE FUTUREALIENSMATRIXFEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGASSTAR WARS IV: A NEW HOPE
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EVERY DEDICATED GAMER knows certain levels or bosses are so maddeningly difficult they reduce you to a controller-smashing rage-a-holic. But some are so difficult that they are actually impossible, or seems so as no one you know or have ever heard of have beat them, they are the Unbeatables. Here’s a look at some of the more notorious ones: 1. Pac-ManIn the early days of arcades, there were more than a couple of games which, usually due to coding errors or oversights, would eventually crash if you reach a certain level of number of points. Two of the most famous of these games would freeze on a so-called a “kill screen.” The most famous of which is probably Pac-Man, even if most gamers have only seen photos of it. Due to the 8-bit nature of the original Pac-Man, its level-counter could only hold 256 values (0-255) so if—that’s a big IF—you made it too level 256, you crashed the game, leaving it frozen on the kill screen. Which is about a good a beating as one can give a arcade game though far less satisfying then actually beating a game and reaching an end screen. 2. Donkey KongThe original Donkey Kong arcade, which introduced the world to our beloved Mario, had a glitch that was similar to the kill screen, only more annoying. A coding error in the algorithm determined the amount of time a player got on any given screen, and this led to a situation in which the player would have only 7 seconds to beat level 22 (screen 117), a feat that is impossible. In fact, it is not possible to get above the second girder in the allotted time. The screen however, does not crash, so you are forced into playing out your remaining lives as the unbeatable level restarts and times you out, eventually causing you to lose the game. And even if that loss is really just a technicality—you’ve gone as far as anyone can—it’s still a bitch to lose. 3. Ghosts and GoblinsIn this classic, you’re a knight names Arthur who must fight his way to a castle to save a princess—where have I heard that before? Only unlike some other princess- saving quests, Ghosts and Goblins was rage inducing not joy inducing. One hit and your armor was gone, leaving you running around in your underwear—literally—waiting to be hit again and killed. A death that would—since the idea of checkpoints hadn’t occurred to anyone yet—send the player to the start of the level. Many things about this game were sadistic, but two of the worst were the spastic movements of enemies you were trying to hit and the fact that when you jumped you had to respect the laws of physics and not turn around in midair—like some other, more enjoyable, princess-saving games allowed for. 4. Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesThis game is a bitch! The first of many games based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have been a commercial success and named game of the year by Nintendo Power but it is hands-down one of the most infuriating games ever. Available on NES and PC, each with their own fatal flaw, the NES version had no save function so it was a one-sitting completion or bust, while the PC version had a level which could not be beat, literally. Whenever you tried to jump a particular gap you would hit you head and land in the sewer—which would kill you. There was so much hype around this game, so much excitement before playing that was all lost after the first couple of hours or replaying that first water level—it’s amazing this game didn’t kill the whole TMNT franchise. 5. BattletoadsBattletoads may be the most notoriously impossible game of all time. Thousands of gamers have fond memories of playing Battletoads but few if any can claim to have beat it. And the worst part is the game was pretty innovative and fun up to a point. The hoverbike level gets most players everytime, there’s just too many obstacles to dodge—over 100—and they come almost too fast—the level is only about 2 minutes long. And if you did manage to beat the hoverbike, you advance to the surfing level and basically have to do the whole thing over again, only with more obstacles and at a higher speed. If you love platformers and you’ve never played, it’s worth checking out just to see if you have the rarefied reaction time to actually beat it—but you won’t.
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